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Nurse Writing

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These are True Stories - a few have done the rounds of email and joke lists - most have been contributed following appeals here and on newsgroups
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orange dot "Patient ambulates independantly in hell with front wheeled walker." Could they have meant 'hall'? Thanks, Josie!
orange dot "patient may shower with assistants..." I think they probably meant to say "assistance". Who knows?
orange dot Julie found this on her chart ... "The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner."(She had some surgery done.)
orange dot "Her pap smear was done on the floor"
orange dot "Patient’s skin is pale with pussy drainage from penus." And, says Julie: "No kidding!!! A RN wrote this!!!"
orange dot "The infant had no advantageous heart sounds", Patricia reports
orange dot "Shortness of breath on excretion", Billynda tells me, should have been "exertion"
orange dot "Patient lying in bed. Easily aroused" - the patient had a penile implant; easy mistake for a first semester student. No?
orange dot "Scrotal dressing intact" - when last seen was a sacral dressing.
orange dot "Pedal pulses diminished" - which was reasonable, as both of the patient's legs had been amputated.
orange dot Darcy Tuttle was updating colleagues about a complex case with multiple issues. " If we don't get a handle on whatever this infection is, he is going to go into multiple orgasm failure." Sad guy!
orange dot Barb asked the patient "when did you start feeling deak and wizzy?" While the other staff laughed, the patient asked "Honey is it time for you to go home yet?" That was three years ago, and the story is retold daily. "Deak and wizzy" is now standard terminology.
orange dot Nina didn't quite mean: "Patient nauseated but refused anti-emetics as he stated he'd feel much better if he could just get it up "
orange dot Yvonne confessed to writing "Patient found this nurse in bed hot and diaphoretic."
orange dot "Foley cath patent, no charge from penis."
orange dot "Pt has been hospitalized for constipation twice within the last 60 days. Several tests were run but nothing concrete came out."
orange dot "Upon entering the patient's room, he stated, "get the f**K out", and I beat a hasty retreat."
orange dot "Patient had green pussy fluid draining from his arm." (Patient had an injury resulting from an accident with farm machinery)
orange dot "Large brown stool ambulating in hallway" (Picture the scene ...)
orange dot Patient is awake and alert with many visitors in bed.
orange dot "Red, hot and throbbing between her thighs." (Patient had spilled coffee on herself.)
orange dot "Patient arouses to verbal and tactile stimuli combined." (following a penile implant)
orange dot "Patient found pulseless and without respirations at 10:00 AM. Had vomited profuse hematemesis and been incontinent of watery black stool. MD notified. Mess left for family." (The nurse meant 'message')
orange dot "Patient able to bend at the knee and eat himself."
orange dot "The resident came in from the garden and threw a cow at the television." (The cow being an ornament)
orange dot "She was sick after coming back from the zoo as she had eaten too many penguins." (Chocolate bars)
orange dot "He was masturbating all night and kept coming out of his room."
orange dot "The patient states that he has been feeling much better since he stopped drinking and going to church."
orange dot "Drinking good amounts of urine" wrote a newly qualified staff nurse on a paediatric ward
orange dot "The patient was brought to the Operating Room in shocking condition" ... the patient was taken stat to the OR in Trendelenburg for a massive bleed; in shock position.
orange dot "The patient's postop ileus slowly resolved. By postop day 7, he was passing lettuce and deemed ready for discharge.
orange dot "She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night"
orange dot "She is numb from her toes down"
orange dot "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce"
orange dot "Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation"
orange dot "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a stockbroker instead"
orange dot ... waiting for your contribution ...

Compiled through the generosity of members of nursing newsgroups and visitors to RealNurse.  

Thanks to: Josie Garrett, Patron, Julie, Patricia, Billynda, Darcy Tuttle, Barb, Nina, Dawn, Yvonne, Julianne, Erin Amon, Chris, Smilla, Donna, Sherry Pope, Nora Mitchell, Mangan, Podz, John, Christina Sandy, Wendie Howland, Macque

2 May 2016 | Copyright Andrew Heenan | | Privacy